Nike has long told us to "just do it", and pop culture infiltrated with New Age everywhere reminds us to be grateful. I am all for gratitude, but I often see its messy underbelly in myself and others who indeed are grateful, but for whom there are associated complexities.
Today a wise one taught me something I had not considered. Underneath my inability to "just do it" regarding taking care of my physical health lies anger. Under anger lies hurt regarding the ways I have not done this and the ways I was not nourished to do so. Every time I try to "do it", I am reminded of the places like this in which I have felt deprived. In other words, my genuine effort to nurture a sense of gratitude and abundance inevitably brings up old hurts, feelings of desperate scarcity--until I heal to them.
I make a list of things I am angry about. The list breeds tears, and hurt reveals itself. I experience that it will not kill me, and instead that feeling the feelings releases me.
I want to be a Nike ad, but It is truly more complicated for me. I allow compassion for myself in this place to seep in, and I keep doing. Keep feeling. Keep moving. Perhaps not yet running, but at least stepping out my front door.
1 comments:
and that- stepping out your front door- is step one. a step. a good step.
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